Family Album
by Denver C
Summary: The Duke family and friends as seen by someone very close to them. Sorry, I'm terrible at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

You know, if you really want to know anything about my family, you should just ask me – course, no one ever does, seein' as I'm "just a car" – and everybody knows cars don't talk. Have you ever thought maybe people just don't listen?

Now, take my boys for instance. One time Bo wanted to jump me over 32 parked cars – _32_! I ain't sayin' that I couldn't do it – of course I could, and I did. It's just that I didn't trust that Carl fella with that Carnival from the get go. There was just somethin' off about him. I tried everything I could think of to get Bo not to try that jump. Why, I was practically screamin' at him, but he just wouldn't listen. I even tried cuttin' myself off and just refusin' to go any farther – and he still didn't get the message. (I love the boy, but sometimes he just don't listen to nobody!) He just called in old Cooter to check me over. Now, Cooter's usually pretty good at listening to me, but not that time. He and Bo even left me alone where Carl could get at me! I tell you, if Luke hadn't showed up when he did, there's no tellin' what might've happened. He stopped Carl and got Cooter to fix me up so I could make the jump. He knew I wouldn't let them down, once I was feeling alright.

I've never let my boys down. Now, I know what you're thinking – what about the Double Zero? Well, that one I had to do. You see, I talked to the Double Zero before the race. His family was having real bad money troubles and needed the prize money to save their home – a position we've been in a time or two ourselves. For once, my family was doin' okay. The money would've been nice, but they wouldn't lose anything if they didn't get it. I knew the boys would've let him win, if I could've explained it to them. Uncle Jesse's always taught them to do the right thing. I guess some of that has rubbed off on me over the years – I just couldn't let that poor family lose everything they'd worked for – so I just kinda hung back a little. It didn't do my reputation any good, but reputation ain't everything, you know. Don't look at me like that, I told you Uncle Jesse has rubbed off on me some.

Now, Uncle Jesse, he fusses a lot about me – especially my doors – but, I love him, and, deep down, I think he loves me, too. Like when Boss hypnotized Luke into selling me. Uncle Jesse saved my life that day. He was the one who broke through the post-hypnotic-suggestion to bring Luke back to his senses. He also gave the boys the money to go get me back. If he hadn't, the boys would never have got there in time to get rid of the dynamite on my front seat, and I would've been blown to that big junkyard in the sky. I know he did it for the boys, but I like to think he did it at least partly for me, too.

After all, I saved his life once, too – although I don't think anybody realizes that. He drove me one day to pick Daisy up from work because Dixie was in the shop, and the boys had the truck to pick up some feed. Well, when we parked, he didn't see the rattlesnake near my tire, and he hadn't been able to hear it because of my engine. Just as he started past me, that snake struck and bit Uncle Jesse twice, just above his boot. There wasn't much I could really do, but I started blowing my horn over and over till everybody came out to help him. Cooter said it must have been a short in my horn – even though he never did find one. Uncle Jesse, though, I could see in his eyes that he at least sorta understood – and the way he patted my hood told me he was grateful.

Even though he isn't technically part of my family, I have to tell you, I love Cooter, too. I owe him a lot, and I know it. Cooter does all of my big repairs – which, I hate to admit, come more and more often these days. Plus, Cooter was the one who gave me my color – a large part of my identity. Course, he suggested my orange coat because it was just about the only thing he had, but that don't matter- after all, the best things usually happen by accident. I couldn't imagine being some boring color like blue or white – there are just too many of those cars on the road, and they all blend in with each other. Nope, I like to stand out in a crowd – more chances for fun, leading chases with Rosco and Enos, or the trouble-making city slickers that pass through every so often. But, that ain't what I was supposed to be talking about, now is it? Nope, I was talking about Cooter, the best mechanic in the state of Georgia. I'm not just saying that because he keeps me running.

I have never seen anything mechanical that Cooter couldn't fix. He even fixed an armored tank loaded with enough weapons to level Hazzard – the Mean Green Machine they called it. Now, I never did think that was too fair – after all, it wasn't Greenie's fault what his people used him for! He was actually real nice. It killed him when his people made him destroy things, and he always apologized to everything he was forced to pull apart. I know, that didn't change the fact that he still did it, but he had to. He wasn't real bright. He couldn't figure out how to just turn himself off or jerk the wheel – or else he was afraid of being scrapped if he did. Since I didn't have my boys at the time- I was stuck with their cousins Vance and Coy (don't get me started on them) – I didn't get much chance to get close enough for a real conversation. Cooter, though, I think he understood that Greenie didn't have much control in the situation. A lesser man would've punished Greenie, but not my Cooter. He fixed Greenie up right, then beat the puddin' out of the two guys that had been using him – just like they deserved. I just hope that, wherever Boss and Rosco took that poor machine, someone's treating him a little nicer.

Cooter has a deeper understanding of cars than most people do – in fact, he has a deeper understanding of cars than he does most people. Whenever he works on me, when there's no one else around, he talks to me. No, I ain't gonna tell you what he talks about! Usually it's private stuff that he doesn't want to tell anybody else. He just uses me when he wants to hear it said out loud and wants somebody that can keep a secret.

There was one time that I know he wouldn't mind me tellin'. These two crooks had stole me from the boys, along with their clothes, while the boys were skinny dipping. Well, just as I was trying to figure out the best place to cut off on them so my boys could find me, the dang fool behind the wheel went and ran me into the pond! When Rosco and Enos saw me go into the pond, they naturally figured the boys were inside. Of course, all they found of the boys was their clothes – since that's all I had – but, for some reason, they took that to mean the boys were dead.

I know Uncle Jesse and Daisy took it really hard, too, but, the only one I saw before they found out the truth was poor Cooter. He honestly believed that he had just lost his two best friends – and they were_ still _being framed by Boss Hogg for stealin' a watch that hadn't even been stolen, yet. Cooter was heartbroken, of course, but he still pulled me out of the pond and got me all cleaned up and dried out. He cried a lot while he worked, and kept patting me every time he went past to get something else.

He told me, "Just because the boys are gone, that don't mean you have to go with them, General. Neither of them would've wanted that. They loved you, buddy. This way, a part of them can live in you. When Uncle Jesse or Daisy drive you, they'll know Bo and Luke are right there with them." Heaven help me, I knew my boys were fine, but, if I could've, I would've been crying myself! I kept tryin' to tell him that the boys hadn't been driving me. They were alive and, as far as I knew, unhurt. Of course, Cooter couldn't understand me. He just finished his work, patted my roof, and went to the farm for Bo and Luke's wake. Y'all know the rest of that story, so I won't bore you with details.

Then, of course, there's Daisy. What can I say about her? She has her jeep, Dixie, to take care of her, but, in the end, I still feel responsible for her. After all, Daisy did start working at the Boar's Nest for me. It was the only way Uncle Jesse could get a half-way decent interest rate on the loan he took out so Bo and Luke could buy me. So, since I'm responsible for her having to work for Boss Hogg, I'm also responsible for keeping her safe from whatever problems that job may bring.

Daisy doesn't drive me very often; normally she's just riding with the boys. When she does drive, though, I don't get to do any jumps, but sometimes, I do get to do different stunts with her – like circling Hazzard square on two wheels to confuse Rosco. (That was really fun!) The boys wouldn't do that – they only take me up on two wheels when they don't have no other choice. Daisy does it sometimes just because it's fun – the same reason Bo makes a lot of his jumps. She has enough confidence in me to know that everything will turn out just fine. I'd never get her hurt if I could help it.

Daisy doesn't talk to me all that much, but she shows she loves me in plenty of other ways. On the anniversary of the day I became a member of the family, she bakes me a birthday cake – and even decorates it. I ask you, how many cars can say someone cares enough for them to bake them a cake?

Sometimes, though, she'll tell me little things – especially if she's really nervous or excited. Like the day we went to Atlanta so Bo and Luke could talk to that Starr guy about her royalty money for her song. She stayed with me to wait for them, but she wasn't happy about it. The whole time they were in there the first time, she was fussin' to me about how she wasn't a child and didn't need anybody to take care of her. Well, now, I could see her point – I mean she can take care of herself. I don't know very many people – including my boys – that are dumb enough to tangle with that gal when she's riled. She fights dirty! I've even seen her flip Luke over her shoulder to the ground, and, believe me, there ain't a whole lot of people could do that. Of course, she didn't hurt him none, but she wasn't aiming to. She just wanted to prove a point.

I can see the other side of all this, too, though. Just about anybody who knows Daisy wants to protect her – and she realizes that, it just bugs her sometimes. Why, when we were at Starr's apartment building, and she told the boys that he had tried to assault her virtue, I was about ready to figure out a way to drive up those stairs and take care of him myself! It took the boys a mite longer than it should have to figure out what she was saying to them, but, when they did, it was all she could do to keep us from turning around. Personally, I was all for letting them go back and scuff him up a bit, but Daisy kept saying that she had taken care of it. She just wanted to fuss; she didn't want nobody to do nothing about it.

Now, personally, I like to think that we cars tend to reflect the personalities of our people, at least a little bit. Dixie, Daisy's jeep, is a perfect example – and not just because she's the only girl in a yard full of boys. (Yes, the pick-up is a boy. His name's Jackson, although I doubt even Jesse knows it. Old Jack's a quiet sort – and hates to be called Jack, so, of course, I do it as often as I can get away with. I won't tell you what he calls me – let's just say it ain't always friendly.) When you look at Dixie compared to me or Jack, she looks delicate and small. She seems like a sweet little thing that wouldn't hurt a fly – which she is, for the most part – but, when you cross her, you find out just how tough she really is.

Dixie usually just hangs back and lets me take care of any problems, but, I'll tell ya right now, there ain't nobody I'd rather have backing me up in a pinch. She don't fly too great, but she can go cross country just as easy as I can jump the creek. She says she just don't like the feel of air beneath her wheels.

When them dang crooks stole me and hooked me up to a remote control to make me wreck a train, Dixie was the one who got my boys to me. She kept talking to me and reminding me of who I was and what mattered most to me. Eventually she managed to get through to me enough to where I could ignore their commands long enough for the boys to get control and eventually get that stupid thing off me. I owe my life to her - if she hadn't talked me down, that train would have – as Rosco would say – "scuffed me beyond all repair."

Speaking of Rosco, you can't talk about Hazzard without mentioning him and Boss. I reckon y'all think I'm gonna say some awful things about them, right? Wrong! I ain't got nothing against them. Sure, they're greedy, crooked, and involved in just about every sneaky, underhanded scheme in the county, but they're honest about it.! Everybody knows they'll do just about anything for money. What very few people know is, when things get dangerous and someone is liable to get hurt or killed, they'll also do the right thing. Even to them, people are more important than money. (Although it practically kills Boss to admit it.)

Like when everybody thought my boys were dead, for example. Rosco was genuinely upset – he was even crying when he called for the ambulance. I think he really likes my family – he just wishes they would let those schemes he gets involved in work every once in a while. Like everybody else in Hazzard, Rosco knows he can count on the Dukes to help him out of trouble. Take that time he hired that Jason Steele character to get my boys locked up for him. As soon as he figured out just how dangerous Steele was, Rosco tried to call him off – Steele just wouldn't accept it. Rosco didn't want anything to happen to the boys; he just wanted them out of his hair. If Rosco had been all bad, he wouldn't have put himself in danger to save the boys.

Rosco and Enos – and Cletus when he drops by – are great fun to play with. They always give me an excuse to do what I love best- just open up and fly – a lot of times, literally! Yeah, I know, I drop 'em in the pond a lot, and run them into each other a bit, but, as any child will tell you, you're gonna get a little banged up when you've got a good game of chase going. Besides, nobody gets hurt except us cars, and we try to make sure it's nothing Cooter can't fix easy. None of us wants anybody to have to drop out of the game permanent, but we're not as delicate as our drivers. Things that look like they could just about finish us, Cooter can fix in an hour or two. That same level of damage would either finish our humans (and dogs, too – can't forget Flash!) or at least lay them up for a couple of weeks.

Now, I partly owe my existence to ol' Boss, too. After all, he did let Uncle Jesse borrow the money for the boys to buy me from that junkyard and put that engine they built in me. True, Uncle Jesse had to put up the farm and pay 15 interest, and Daisy had to go to work at the Boar's Nest in order to get the loan, but that's just Boss's way. Everything he does has to benefit him in some way. Of course, as many times as he's tried to get rid of me since that day, I don't think he figures he got enough out of the deal.

A lot of people look at Boss and see nothing but greed. Well, let me tell ya - that really is a lot of who Boss is, but it ain't all he is. He also can show a real soft side, sometimes. He just adores Lulu, for example. Sure, he fusses and carries on like he don't, but that's all an act. He would do just about anything for Miss Lulu – like the time he had Ace repossess that Rolls Royce because she wanted it. Boss actually turned down money that time, just to make his "Lambykins" happy. He even dressed in drag once to pretend to be Lulu when she and Daisy were in danger – and convinced Rosco to pretend to be Daisy. I tell ya, they made some ugly women, and they got teased about it for weeks, but they helped keep the ladies safe.

Daisy's little girl, Jessica, has Boss wrapped around her little finger, too. That child can do no wrong as far as he's concerned. I've seen Boss do things for her that I never thought I'd see – he's even giving Bo and Luke jobs this Christmas. Since Daisy got hit by that car, she can't work for a while and between that and Christmas coming, money is just about as tight as it's ever been at the farm. Boss heard about the problem and decided to put aside his differences with our family and give the boys jobs working night security at one of his warehouses. True, I doubt the truce will last long – just about as long as it takes for Boss to figure out a scheme to blame on the boys- but it does exist, for now, just because he wants Jessica's first Christmas in Hazzard to be special. Boss ain't exactly big on Christmas himself, unless he can find a way to make money of it- remember that mess with the Christmas trees he had stolen – but, he would do just about anything for his favorite nephew's daughter. So, ya see, he does have more than just a bank vault where his heart should be- you just gotta know the right combination.

Now Enos and Cletus have been friends with the boys since their daddies ran shine together. As Luke has pointed out before, just because Enos and Cletus are on the "wrong side" now, that don't mean they can't still be friends. Besides, them two are about as honest and loyal as they come – they just ain't exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer sometimes. Really, I don't think they're dumb so much as just naïve. Boss and Rosco tend to take advantage of them a lot of the time, but, really, everybody in town loves them. Boss don't really use any of his lawmen as a way to be mean to them, it's just an easy way to make a buck sometimes – or get the honest ones out of the way so he can make a buck. Any time Enos or Cletus learns about Boss's schemes – especially ones to frame Bo and Luke – they go out of their way to keep loyal to both their jobs and their friends. I've seen Enos drop by the farm on his lunch break to warn the boys, then go back to work and try to arrest them. His logic is that arresting them is his job, but his lunch is his own time, and what he does then is his own business. Poor ol' Cletus has to get even more complicated to pass on his warnings. Seeing as he's a Hogg, he has a loyalty to his family to consider- namely his "Cousin Boss" – as well as to his job and his friends. I've even seen him go to the trouble of acting the situation out to give his warnings – just so he can honestly say that he never said anything to anybody about what his cousin and his superior officer were planning.

Now, like most of the men in Hazzard, both of them boys are in love with Daisy. I would never tell him this, but Cletus is in pretty much the same boat as Cooter – Daisy looks at them like she does her cousins. That ain't to say that she don't love them, but it's about as far from a romantic love as you can get. Cooter accepted that years ago, and is just happy with what he can get – as a matter of fact, he's started looking at her kinda like a sister over the years. Poor Cletus, though, is still hoping she'll change her mind one day – and he'll be there waiting if she does. You gotta admire that boy's faith, especially after all the times she's done explained all this to him.

Enos, on the other hand, has a pretty good shot. For some reason, she does see him as a potential for romantic love. Maybe it's because he's been following her around like a puppy since the seventh grade. He's got sheer determination on his side. As a matter of fact, not too long ago, I would've agreed with everybody else and said he was a sure thing. Now, though, things have changed quite a bit. She was actually engaged to Jamie Lee Hog at one time, and she does have a child by him. Every time Jamie is mentioned, Daisy just lights up like she's got a candle inside her. No matter what she says, she still loves that boy, at least enough to give Enos some competition. Plus, she's mentioned a guy out in Greenriver a couple of times. When she talks about him, she gets this look on her face that I ain't used to seein' from her. Usually, that love struck look comes from Bo. Whenever it comes from Daisy or Luke, it really means something special. Daisy swears she and this fella are just friends, but I just don't know. Well, he's supposed to come visit, soon. It'll be interesting to see how this turns out – and what Enos's response will be. He handled the whole thing with Jamie fairly well, but he was in California at the time. This time he's here to fight for her heart, if he has to. I just hope this new guy's on the up and up. As soon as Enos gets enough information, you can be sure he'll run a check on him. If anything comes back even slightly fishy, you can bet Enos will rip him in half. He's every bit as protective of our Daisy as Bo and Luke are. You've gotta respect that. He knows he ain't necessarily number one in her heart, but she's still number one in his, and there ain't nothing gonna change that.

Now, I know I said before that I wasn't gonna talk about Vance and Coy. Well, I changed my mind. They really ain't bad boys, in their way; they just always end up in Bo and Luke's shadow. They look up to them boys like big brothers, even though Bo's younger than either of them. Vance has always wanted to be just like Luke – copying the way he walks and talks and everything. He even became a Merchant Marine so Luke would be proud of him, just cause Luke was a Marine. He tried to take up boxing like Luke used to do, but he was so bad at it that Luke convinced him to give it up before he got killed. Of course, that ain't exactly how he put it. He gave Vance some long speech about hating to fight or even box unless he had to because he didn't want anybody getting hurt. I guess it worked; Vance gave up on boxing right after that.

The happiest I've ever seen Vance was the day Bo and Luke came home from the racing circuit. Luke and Vance were standing next to me talking when Luke glanced into my backseat and found a piece of paper Vance had left there. Vance had been fooling around one day when we were hiding out from Rosco and wound up sketching a pretty good likeness of me, with Coy leaning on my hood looking out over the pond. Poor Vance was so embarrassed when Luke unfolded it that he looked like he might pass out! Once Luke started telling him how well done it was and that he never could have done it himself, though, Vance just lit up like somebody started a fire inside him. Just knowing that Luke was proud of something he had done and thought he had talent kept that boy's feet from touching the ground for a week! Now he's stopped hiding his attempts and draws just about everything in sight, especially if Luke's around to see him.

Luke thinks that drawing he found was Vance's first try. He don't realize that Vance had been doing them for years – he just hid them, figuring his cousins would make fun of him. You know, to be so smart, them boys are pretty dense sometimes.

Now, Coy's relationship with Bo is a little different – a little more complicated. See, with Bo being the youngest, Coy ain't about to admit to looking up to him. Instead, Coy wants Bo to look up to him and want to be like him. That's part of why Coy became a test driver. He knew Bo had always been fascinated with cars, so he figured that, by getting a car lover's dream job, maybe he would fascinate Bo, too. Poor Coy didn't realize that Bo's dream has always been NASCAR. Test driving is great, but Bo needs the screaming fans and the competition.

Coy likes cars, of course, but test driving ain't exactly his dream, neither. No, as much as he would deny it, Coy really wants to follow in Uncle Jesse's footsteps someday. He let it slip one day when we drove past the old Jensen place. He got this look on his face that I'd never seen from him before, when he noticed the for sale sign. At first, I thought he was just sad at the thought of out of town folks moving in and probably destroying the place. Then he said, "Ya know, if I had the money, I'd buy that place. It's close to Uncle Jesse, and it's almost as good a tract of farmland as our place." He went on and on, telling me all about the crops he would plant, and the animals he would bring in – and the little still out back after Bo and Luke got off probation. Running shine again would keep his driving from getting rusty. I ain't never heard so much passion and pleasure in that boy's voice as when he was dreaming up that farm. Uncle Jesse would have been so proud if he'd heard all those plans. Well, maybe not all of them. I don't know how well the still idea would go over. I think he's always gonna be scared of something happening to send his boys to prison – and, since running shine is what almost put them in there in the first place, that will always be what he worries about most.

Coy really just wants somebody to be proud of him, I think. He has always tried to turn himself into somebody else – whoever he thinks his family or his friends want him to be.What's really sad is, he ain't never realized that, not only is his family proud of him now, but they would be even prouder if he was himself instead of a puppet. That goes for Vance, too. I know everybody says my boys will never grow up, but at least they know who they are – and they ain't ashamed to be themselves, no matter what anybody else thinks. If Vance and Coy are gonna copy them, I wish they would copy that part of their personalities.

Okay, I know, I'm a bit long winded sometimes – it's just so hard to get anybody to listen to a car, ya know? I just ask that y'all bear with me for a little while longer, okay? Besides, we ain't even really talked about the two most important people in my life, yet – my boys.

Most people think Bo is a completely open book. Well, I ain't gonna lie to you, in a lot of ways, he is. If something makes him happy or he loves somebody, he's gonna make sure the whole world knows it in no uncertain terms. Of course, the world also knows when he's mad or just been pushed that one step too far. What a lot of people don't realize is that he has a pretty good brain going for him, too – he just figures it's easier to let Luke do most of the thinking and planning for both of them. That ain't such a bad idea, really – play to your strengths – Luke is a lot better at being sneaky. Actually, Bo is just a little too impulsive for his own good – if he sees a problem, he's just gonna jump in with the first thing that pops into his head and hope for the best. Sometimes, though, he surprises everybody. Like when Daisy left when she got pregnant. What nobody knows – including Daisy – is that me and Bo actually found her about a month after she left. Earl Tompkins, an old friend of Bo's from high school, had just moved to Greenriver from Atlanta, and Bo was heading over to see his new place. Well, we got lost – actually, I never had any idea where we were supposed to be, after all, Bo didn't tell me – and ended up stopping at Miss Mary's Café for Bo to get something to eat and figure out where he went wrong. It just so happened that Miss Daisy was working at Miss Mary's at the time. When Bo heard her talking to a man a couple of tables over, he made sure that she seemed to be alright – and that she wasn't going to be his waitress. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to her, he just felt like she would figure that he was checking up on her if she saw him. Like I said before, them boys don't like to get Daisy riled up – if she wanted to prove something to herself or just needed time on her own, he wasn't about to interfere, as long as she was okay. Of course, he is Bo, after all – he did leave an extra tip on one of Daisy's tables before he left, just to make sure she wasn't short-changed. He just can't resist helping out somebody he loves.

As soon as we were moving again, Bo started talking to me nonstop about how great she looked and how much he missed her. I figured that we would be heading right back to Hazzard to pick up Luke and come back to get her, but Bo just kept on to where we were going. He said that he had realized that Jesse was right – she would come back when she was good and ready. I tell ya – I was real proud of that boy that day. (Of course, I figure there was also the small matter of his not wanting somebody to call the police if he tried to force her to come with him, but you take maturity where you can get it!)

Most people figure that I have the most in common with Bo, if only because he's usually the one driving me. Well, we do have a lot in common – we both love to drive fast and take impressive shortcuts, and we hate to sit still for long periods – but, I relate to Luke in ways that I never could with Bo. Luke has always understood my dark side, partly because he has one, too. Now, we both keep them hidden as much as possible – as much as I love to race, that's just all in fun, but neither of us likes to fight unless we got a good reason. (Serious racing is kind of like fighting for humans, it's all about proving yourself.) There was a time for both of us, though, when that wasn't the case. Most of y'all know that, before I became a Duke, I was used in a pretty big jewel robbery. Yes, I had been stolen for that, but the thing is, the dude stole me from himself! He figured that, if anybody identified me, he could just say that I had been stolen and nobody would have looked at him for it again. (Pretty smart thinking, if he hadn't gone and got his self caught while driving me.) Well, I hadn't had the benefit of a good family at that time, so I just thought that was how things were supposed to go. I kind of reflected the personality of whoever I belonged to. In some ways, I guess I still do – I mean, I'm a lot like the boys, now – but, I have my own personality now, too.

Luke wasn't quite as bad as I was, from what I've heard, but he did give poor old Jesse fits when he was younger. He was real stubborn - everything had to be his way or no way. According to Jesse, if somebody said it was cold outside, Luke would insist it was hot and nothing would do but he had to wear his sorts and t-shirts – even if there was snow on the ground! That boy had an awful temper, too. He just about killed Bo with a baseball bat one time – there's still a **hole** in the wall near the door to their room where Bo hit his head trying to get away. They don't really talk about that day a whole lot, but I think they were fighting over some girl. Needless to say, Jesse was less than happy with the whole thing – which meant Luke wasn't real happy in the end either. All Luke has said is that he ate a lot of meals off the mantle for awhile after that.

Apparently, Luke didn't really calm down until he joined the Marines. It gave him some way to focus all of the anger he had been feeling for so long. Being away from his family for so long helped him to realize just how important they are to him. In a lot of ways, he had always been afraid to let himself get too close to anybody after his parents died. The anger was a way to make sure that everybody stayed at arm's length, so that he would never have to feel that pain again. Now, though, I sometimes wonder if he does a little too good a job hiding his feelings. I mean, really, how often do you see Luke just get mad and let the world know it? Or let anyone know when he starts falling for somebody? Or let anybody know how he feels about anything, really? No, that's more Bo's style.

I really think that's why it hit Luke so hard when that drug got dumped in Hazzard Pond. You know, the one that made him such a jerk to everybody for a while. I kinda wonder if that ain't how Luke woulda been if he hadn't had Uncle Jesse. Not necessarily the whole bank robbery thing, just the destroying folks' stuff for the fun of it and trying to force the women to go out with him whether they wanted to or not. After all, that drug didn't really plant those ideas in his head, it just made it harder for him to repress them. Yeah, I know, I went along with him in most of that stuff, but, you gotta remember, I had been given a pretty hefty dose in my radiator, too. I don't know how Luke feels about it all, but it was kinda fun for me to let go for a while – not worry about what anybody else thought or felt or what was right or wrong – just what I wanted to try. I felt kinda bad about it all afterwards, of course. I mean, really, that just isn't who I am anymore, but at least nobody got hurt - and all of the property damage was fixable. Plus, everybody forgave Luke for his part in the whole thing – he was drugged, he didn't know what he was doing. Nobody thought they may need to forgive me, too – I'm just a car after all, no real control over anything I do, according to most folks.

I guess y'all figure that all I have to say about Luke is the bad stuff, huh? Well, that ain't so. There are plenty of good things he has done over the years that don't nobody else know about but me – I was just trying to figure out if he would mind me telling y'all about some of them. He's just a bit shy in some ways, ya know, and, like I said before, it ain't really my style to betray a confidence.

There was one time that he might not mind y'all knowing about, though. Luke and me was heading home from Atlanta after his Marine corps reunion a couple of years ago. It was the day before Thanksgiving and there was so much traffic on the road that I almost didn't see the car until we passed it. Luke noticed it pretty quickly, though – or maybe it would be closer to the truth to say that he noticed her pretty quickly. Now, anybody that knows my boys know that they ain't about to pass somebody in trouble – especially a beautiful blonde with brown eyes spilling tears. I wasn't really paying any attention to what she said to Luke, but Ginger, her car told me that it had been a rough couple of weeks.

Lisa's husband was abusive – had been since right after they got married – but she had finally gotten up the courage to leave him. They were heading to Florida to try to find a place near her parents, but Ginger just couldn't seem to move anymore. She had pushed herself just as far as she could, for Lisa's sake, but her engine just kept getting weaker and weaker, no matter what she did. Fortunately, it only took Luke about five minutes to fix the problem once he found it. (Of course, it took him about ten minutes to find it – too bad we didn't have Cooter along.)

As Luke worked on Ginger, she told me a little more about their situation. Lisa had been scared to use any of her credit cards or write any checks – apparently she had seen a movie where a woman's husband used those things to track down his wife and ended up killing her. I don't know if she was overreacting or not, but I have to admit, something about the way Ginger talked about it sent a chill down my crankshaft! I didn't blame poor Lisa for being scared – I think she had been afraid that her husband was looking for her then and might come down that very road any minute. (I know that thought crossed my mind.) No wonder she was crying when we stopped.

Like I said, I wasn't really paying the humans any attention, so I don't know how much of the story she told Luke, but, apparently it was enough to make him feel sorry for her. When he got in Ginger to try to start her and make sure he had fixed the problem, he dropped all the money he had with him on the passenger seat. True, it was only about thirty dollars, but it probably got her a little closer to her destination. He invited her to come to the farm for supper, since we were right outside of Hazzard, but she just wouldn't. She said that she had to keep going – she was behind schedule already. I just hope that things worked out for Lisa and Ginger. Everyone deserves a good life, don't ya think?

Anyway, that's my family in a nutshell. They ain't exactly perfect, but they try hard, for the most part. I like that about them. Perfection is boring! We need a few flaws in this world to keep things interesting.

Well, I hate to run, but I see my boys coming this way, and I do believe I hear sirens in the distance. Just another normal day in Hazzard – and I wouldn't have it any other way. Maybe you could do me a favor, though, don't be so quick to dismiss us as "just cars" next time. Take the time to say thanks to the cars in you life – you never know just how hard they may be working to keep you safe.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey, y'all! The General told me he had found some folks willing to listen to us, so I decided to put my two cents worth in. I don't get to talk to humans very much. As a matter of fact, I think this sis my first time!

Oh, sorry – guess I should introduce myself, huh? (Even though most of you probably know me already.) My name is Dixie. I tend to forget my manners sometimes, but I don't get to talk to anybody but Jackson and General Lee most of the time. Well, there is the tractor, but he don't talk too much – he spends so much time working that all he wants to do is sleep when he gets back to the barn. He's kinda old, but he keeps going because our humans depend on him so much. Tractors are like that, really loyal.

That ain't to say we cars ain't loyal, too – it's just that, around here, tractors have a more direct impact on the humans. After all, if your tractor breaks down, you better have a couple good mules and a decent plow, or you ain't gonna get your crops planted. If you don't get your crops planted, you can't harvest them later. If you can't harvest them, you can't use them for food or sell them to buy other things. (The tractor told me that hisself – it was his version of "why tractors are more important than cars and don't have time for silly things like talking or giving out their names.") As long as I've known him, I've never heard his name. I don't think Jackson even knows it, and he's been here longer than me or even General. General says the tractor is probably just embarrassed 'cause he can't remember the name he was given – too much time in the sun. Of course, Jackson says General is just jealous because the tractor can do something he can't. (General always likes to be the best at everything, that's just how he is.) Personally, I think the tractor is just a very private machine and don't want nobody getting too close. That's kinda sad if you ask me – I mean it's no way to live! If ya don't let nobody in, ain't no way for them to help ya or ask for help if something goes wrong.

Of course, some folks just figure they can fix everything themselves. Sometimes I think that's my Daisy's problem. She don't want to worry nobody, so she tries to hide her big problems. Like when she had Jessica – as soon as she got the chance after she found out she was pregnant, she took off to Greenriver. Don't make a whole lot to sense when you think about it. I mean, she didn't know a soul there, she didn't have a job or a place to stay lined up. Sure, it worked out alright in the end, but she didn't know what was gonna happen.

You know what? I think that's the story I'm gonna tell y'all – the one nobody else around here knows.

I knew something was wrong when Daisy came out and started loading suitcases in my backseat. It wasn't the first time she'd done it, but, usually, I would hear her talking to Miss Lulu on the CB, or we'd go shopping a few times before it all came out, or somebody would mention the trip she had planned or a sick relative she was going to take care of. This time, though, there hadn't been any of that – and Daisy was wiping away tears as we drove off. I kept hoping that I had just not been paying attention and had missed all of the preparations, but, I could feel it in my motor mounts, this time was different.

When we got to Greenriver, Daisy immediately started heading into all the restaurants we came to, then coming right back out again. At first, I couldn't figure out what she was doing – I mean, really, if she was hungry, why didn't she just eat already? – but I finally realized that it had nothing to do with food; she was looking for a job. We had come all that way, but that was where her plan ended – no job, no place to stay, nothing. (Daisy's not much for planning – that's Luke's specialty - she just lives in the moment and assumes it will work out.)

Well, finally, she really got lucky. She was pretty discouraged – she'd been just about every place in town – when she stopped at Miss Mary's. It was almost five o'clock and we had been driving around for hours, but she decided to try one more time before getting a hotel room and trying again in the morning. It turned out that, not only did Miss Mary desperately need a waitress, but she also owned a nearby apartment building and was looking for a new tenant! I've never seen Daisy quite as excited as she was when she came out to move me to the employee lot. (Miss Mary had her start with the supper rush that night.) It was like someone had just told her that this was where she was supposed to be now and everything would be fine.

Daisy became friends with Miss Mary and Chrissy, one of the other waitresses, almost immediately. They were always trying to help her get ready for the baby, but, y'all know that Duke pride. It took a while for them to convince her that the things they bought her were bought out of friendship and not pity. Both of them are a good bit older than Daisy – Miss Mary's kids are about the same age as Daisy and the boys and Chrissy's kids are in junior high – so I think they really enjoyed the excuse to look at and buy baby things again. Miss Mary also introduced Daisy to Miss Bishop, an older widow in the apartment building, who ended up watching Jessica while Daisy worked.

Daisy loves all three of those ladies, and they've been really good to her, but I could tell that she missed Uncle Jesse and the boys so much. To tell you the truth, I did, too. As many cars and trucks as I was always around, I really missed Jackson and General, too. I even missed them teasing me and arguing back and forth. (I wouldn't tell them that, though – I'd never hear the end of it!)

The day I saw Bo pull up in the General, I really thought I was seeing things. I was parked in the employee lot behind the building, but I was close enough to the edge to see them drive up – and General's engine sound is almost as distinctive as his paint job! I considered moving around front to talk to him, but I was afraid that Daisy might get in trouble if somebody noticed me in the wrong lot – not to mention the problems it would cause if somebody saw me driving by myself! So, you see, I wasn't nervous about talking to General and having to explain what little I knew about the situation, I was protecting Daisy. (That's my story, anyway, and I'm sticking to it!)

When Daisy came out that night, she was so happy that I figured for sure that she had talked to Bo and we were fixing to head for home. No such luck, of course, she was just excited about the huge tip "someone" had left her. (I'll give you three guesses who – and the first two don't count!) It gave her enough to finish paying for the crib she wanted, plus a little left over to start buying fabric for a baby quilt. (I wonder if Bo knows that he helped pay for his niece's first bed and blanket.)

I was so nervous when Jessica was finally born. I don't mean the actual delivery – although that was kind of nerve wracking, too. The way Chrissy was squeezing my steering wheel, I thought for sure that baby was gonna be born in my front seat! (Not that I would've minded, of course, but that kind of thing can't be good for leather seats!) No, I really got worried the first time Daisy put her in her special seat and fastened it down. I had never carried anyone that small before, and Daisy carried her like she was going to break into a million pieces any second. I was terrified of hitting any kind of bump – in fact, I danced all over the road so bad trying to avoid them that Daisy took me to have my front end realigned! It took me almost a month to get comfortable enough with Jessica to just let Daisy drive. (Although, I do still slow us down for some of those bumps – can't be too careful, after all.)

Actually, I think it took Daisy a while to get used to Jessica being along, too. For the longest time it seemed like she couldn't keep her eyes on the road when we took the baby somewhere - she kept glancing in the mirror like she was afraid Jessica would disappear if she wasn't watching.

The first time Daisy seemed completely at ease with Jessica, we were going to the grocery store. Daisy had the radio on, listening to an interview with the newest NASCAR drivers. I really don't think she was paying a whole lot of attention until they got to the last one – a country boy from Georgia with his cousin as his chief mechanic! Both of us were so surprised that I'm honestly not sure which of us pulled me over to the side of the road and stopped. I do know that Daisy let out a little squeal that woke Jessica up and started her crying. (Y'all know Daisy's never been shy about expressing her feelings.)

Daisy got Jessica out of her seat and sat there patting her back until she calmed down. Daisy really looked like she had tears in her own eyes, but she was just so proud of them boys. She kept telling Jessica, "Listen sugar! That's your Uncle Bo! And that's your Uncle Luke! They really did it – they're real NASCAR drivers, now!" Of course, I really doubt a six week old baby understood much of what she was telling her, but Jessica calmed right down and started making happy noises.

The boys sounded real good in that interview. They gave the basics of their lives – where they were from, the fact that they lived with their Uncle Jesse and, until recently, cousin Daisy. Then Luke said, "And we're looking forward to seeing her again real soon." It was almost like Daisy forgot that she wasn't listening to them on the CB. She reached out and laid a finger on the radio, then whispered, "I miss y'all, too. I love you, boys."

We sat there like that, with Daisy touching the radio like she could feel the boys through it, until the interview was over. Then she put Jessica back in her car seat, wiped her own eyes, and drove on to the store. It didn't really surprise me that, after she got groceries, she went down and bought a cheap television for her apartment.

She didn't miss a single race that season. After she told Chrissy and Miss Mary about her cousins' new careers, Miss Mary had a television installed at the restaurant. That way, if Daisy had to work on a race day, she could still see the race. I tell you, I always knew when Bo was winning – it sounded like everybody in the place was cheering! (Of course, I knew exactly what was going on, anyway. I couldn't resist turning on my radio and listening – after all, those boys are my family, too.

I know what y'all are thinking, and, yes, we had a pretty good life out there. The only thing that would've been better would've been to have the family and friends we left behind there with our new friends. Like Daisy told Uncle Jesse – it was nice, but it wasn't really home. There just ain't no place in this world like Hazzard. (Which is probably a good thing – I doubt most folks could handle Hazzard all the time!)

One of those differences was what finally caused us to move back home. (I know, ya'll think that dream of Daisy's triggered our return – but this is what triggered the dream.)

It was a little past closing one night, and I was waiting impatiently for Daisy to finish helping Miss Mary and Chrissy get everything cleaned up when I noticed a car pull up to the back door of the restaurant. I probably wouldn't have thought much about it if they had pulled up to the front door - they had just closed and most of the lights were still on – but most people looking for supper don't go to the back door. It took a while for the men inside to make their move. (So long, in fact, that I was beginning to think they were just lost or something.) When they finally got out, though, I realized that they had just been putting on their masks – and probably making sure those nasty looking guns was loaded.) I tell you, my engine went so cold, I thought I was gonna get to test my antifreeze! Yeah, I know, it ain't like we'd never been in trouble like this before, but, y'all gotta remember, every other time we've had back-up somewhere. Bo and Luke have always been nearby to help if needed – not to mention General, Jackson, and all the other Hazzard cars – this time it was just me, Daisy, and a couple of ladies who had never been on the wrong side of a gun before.

While those guys slipped over to jimmy the lock on the back door, I started trying to get their car's attention. Unfortunately, as the General has pointed out before, cars tend to take on their human's personalities – especially if they ain't never had other humans before. Well, obviously, I don't know this ol' boy's story, but I do know he took his job of guarding that door **real** serious. Even after his people got in and we could hear all the yelling going on inside – you know the kind "Give us all your money, now! Nobody try to be a hero and nobody gets hurt!" – I couldn't get a response out of him. He just kept muttering, "Nobody in or out, that's your job. Gotta do it right, make 'em proud."

I tell ya'll, I tried everything I knew – sidling up to him, telling him how handsome he was – everything Daisy has used so well on human males before. Well, nothing worked on him, he just kept glancing my way every once in a while. I could hear Daisy trying to get control of the situation inside in some of the same ways – unfortunately, with about the same results.

I know the whole thing couldn't have taken more than a few minutes, but it seemed like we sat like that for hours before I heard an engine almost as welcome as the General would have been.

Betty, the patrol car that works the evening shift most nights was making her first rounds of the road in front of the restaurant. I could hear her calling greetings to the other cars on the street, making sure there wasn't anything going on that her humans needed to know about. Keeping an eye on the car guarding the back door, I slid towards the side of the building to make sure Betty could hear me, then started blowing SOS on my horn.

Betty slowed down almost immediately, and yelled at me, "Dixie, is that you? Girl, you better quit making all that noise before you get Daisy in trouble!"

"Too late!" I yelled back, keeping up my SOS to get the human officer's attention, and ignoring the other car's orders to shut up or his humans would hurt mine. Daisy's already in troub…" Before I could finish the thought, Betty slipped around the building, her humans flashing spotlights over me. I quit blowing my horn as soon as I saw her nose come into view – no sense in letting her humans see me empty, blowing my own horn. (Humans are good at rationalizing stuff they don't understand, but a definite rhythm coming from an empty car is kinda hard to explain!)

"What's wrong, hon?" Betty asked me, inching closer to the other car so her humans could get a look at his license plate, "Where's Daisy?"

I explained the whole thing to Betty as quick as I could, still ignoring the other car's threats, as the humans got out and started towards the back door. Greenriver may be a little bigger than Hazzard, but it is small enough that the police tend to know all the vehicles that belong in the area. A strange car parked behind a closed restaurant was enough to make them worry – especially combined with the "unexplained" signal from me.

Well, things moved pretty quick after that. I guess them crooks weren't real experienced, or maybe somebody just panicked. Just as the cops reached the door, it flew open and the crooks came out – both pointing guns – one at Miss Mary and Chrissy, the other at Daisy's head. I reckon they had decided to use her as a hostage. The one with Daisy came out first, noticed the cops with their own guns drawn, and decided to backtrack into the restaurant. That might have worked out better for him if he had shared the plan with his partner. Instead, he was trying to go in, his friend was trying to come out, and both policemen were yelling for them to drop their weapons.

Daisy took advantage of the confusion to "faint" and trip the guys in the doorway up even more. The guy facing into the building tripped over her leg, knocking his buddy down, too, and causing a gun to go off. Everybody froze for an instant with that gunshot – I just knew Daisy had been shot! – then the police got everything under control. Once the bad guys were in handcuffs and I could see for myself that Daisy and the other ladies were okay, I finally relaxed.

Miss Mary and Chrissy came running out to grab Daisy in hugs, probably checking for themselves to be sure she was okay. That was when I noticed something odd – Daisy was shaking like a leaf and her face was snow white. Yeah, I realize that the other ladies were, too, and that most people would be, all things considered. What y'all seem to be forgetting, though, is that Daisy is from Hazzard – she's used to guns and robberies and such. Then, I followed her eyes and saw what she had already noticed – that bullet had missed where her head had been by less than an inch! For a minute there, I thought she was gonna faint on us for real, but she just shook it off and put on a smile for her friends, keeping her head turned slightly to keep them from noticing the small cut on her forehead where a small chunk of asphalt had hit her.

After the police got their statements from the ladies, we all headed to the apartments. Daisy's hands were still shaking a little when she started me up, but I made sure that nobody else would notice by keeping myself straight between the lines on the road for her. Not that I think Chrissy or Miss Mary would have thought less of her for being nervous, of course, but I know my Daisy. She has that Duke pride in her, and she would have thought less of herself if she could not pretend everything was perfectly normal.

I don't know exactly what happened after she went upstairs, of course, but I do know that the next day we were on our way back to Hazzard. I also know that I am glad to be back where I belong. Travel is nice - I'm a car, what else am I made for if not to go? – but, no matter where you go or how many friends you make along the way, there just ain't no substitute for being home with the ones you love.


	3. Chapter 3

All right! Now that ya'll have heard from the local riff-raff, I think it's about time I told you how things really work around here.

First off, let me introduce myself. My name's Lawrence, and I'm the Law around here. See that shield on my door? That says so! What? Yeah, I know it says Hazzard County Sheriff, but that don't make no difference - sheriff and law are the same thing, right? Bunch of smart-alecks! Oughta let Rosco cuff ya and stuff ya for irritating an officer! What do ya mean I ain't an officer? I'm the sheriff's car, ain't I? I got a badge right here, ain't I? Yeah, I know it's painted on - how else are you gonna put a badge on a car? I don't wear shirts, ya know! Now, do ya'll want to hear about the sheriff's department or not? No respect for the law anymore!

As I was saying, folks around here call me Law. I'm so well known that I even hear newcomers saying, "Here comes the Law," when I pull up! Ain't many folks can say everybody knows their name as soon as they meet them. That hotshot General Lee can't say that! Most people meeting him for the first time say things like, "What kind of car is that?" Listen, I hear y'all muttering over there. They ain't talking about Rosco! You humans think you're the only ones that matter! I bet y'all didn't give General this much trouble with his story.

All right, if you're so all fired interested in the humans, let's talk about the humans I work with! First off, there's Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane. He's my partner and a lot like me. We both love our jobs - police work is our lives! We both love hot pursuit - and we're experts at it!

Yes, I know General Lee and the Duke boys get away from us a lot, but, you see, there's an explanation for that. General cheats! That's right, you heard me - all those fancy jumps and all. I could do that, but, as an officer of the law, I'm sworn to serve and protect. What if Rosco or some innocent bystander got hurt because I insisted on copying General? Yes, I know, I've made a few jumps myself, but that's just 'cause Rosco refused to give up. He was afraid we would lose them if we went around, so he insisted on jumping. You notice, though, that I always try to aim for something soft like water, just in case we missed. Yes, I know, that tree we landed in wasn't real soft, but Rosco jerked my wheel just as we took off. You can't exactly change directions in midair, you know. Even General has to have something solid under his wheels before he can direct his jumps!

No, I ain't jealous of General Lee! Who said that? He just shows off more than the rest of us, and his flashier paint job catches your attention faster. Humans always seem to notice flashier things first. Besides, he breaks the law all the time - speeding around like that - how could I be jealous of that? I done told you, police work is my life!

Getting back to Rosco, though, I know y'all probably figure you know all there is to know about him and the rest of the police force, don't you? Well, I'm here to tell you that you don't! Everybody figures that Rosco has always been for sale, but there was a time when he was the best lawman around. No, not just the best Boss Hogg's money could buy! He couldn't be bought back then. (Now, I ain't quite old enough to remember all this myself. I'm going by what Rosco's old car, Lucille, told me before she retired, so you've got to forgive me if I get things mixed up a mite.)

Boss hated it back when Rosco was completely honest! He had to sneak around with all his schemes and such - and make sure any frame-ups or double-crosses were iron-clad - but he couldn't fire Rosco without making Lulu mad. That's why he made sure Rosco's pension got taken off the budget. He figured that either Rosco would quit and find a better paying job, or, if Rosco got broke enough, he could corrupt Rosco with a couple of small kickbacks. It was a win-win situation - either he brought in a new sheriff already on his payroll, or he added his current one to his payroll. Either way, he no longer had to sneak and hide.

Of course, Rosco balked at the idea of crooked schemes at first. You don't spend twenty years upholding the law just to jump straight into a life of crime - however minor your part is - at the first chance you get! Then, Momma Coltrane got real bad sick. I don't know exactly what was wrong with her - cars don't pay a whole bunch of attention to human diseases - but she spent almost a month in the hospital. Lulu and Hortense helped, of course, but Rosco felt like he should pay most of the medical bills himself, since he lived with her and all.

It took just about all of his savings to keep the house after all the bills was paid. He never told his sisters or his momma how close him and Momma come to losing everything - too much pride, I guess. He did make the mistake of telling Boss, though. Boss ain't never been called a slouch when it comes to seeing opportunities, and he pounced on this one like a chicken on a June bug.

It just so happened that Boss had a load of shine ready to go to his distributors up in Tennessee. The only problem was, those distributors didn't know they was his distributors, yet. You see, they had the annoying habit of buying from Jesse Duke - just because he made better quality shine and had lower prices! I know - the nerve of some people! Anyhow, Boss come up with a plan that didn't seem quite so bad to Rosco, and it ended up paying enough to finish off the last of the medical bills.

Old Boss was slick about the whole thing, let me tell you! He didn't tell Rosco exactly why he wanted to stop the Dukes from making their delivery. He just pointed out to Rosco that making, selling, and delivering shine are all against the law, and that meant that them Dukes were breaking the law. Of course, he conveniently left out his own trucks, ready to roll with the same product. When Rosco pointed out that half the county made their living by making and running shine, Boss pulled out the big guns. He told Rosco that there was a reward being offered for runners - but especially for anyone that caught the Dukes, since their shipments were always big and they never got caught - fifty percent of fifty percent **of** fifty percent of the value of the shine. True, that's only about twelve percent, but Rosco never was real good at percentages, so it sounded like a lot more to him. (Boss, of course, gave Rosco the "reward" out of his own sales - and established their typical split to this day.)

Lucy said that they had a time and a half just finding Bo and Luke, much less catching them! By the time they did get close to the boys, they was almost to the Tennessee line, and Rosco wasn't about to call in back-up. He was afraid he would have to share the "reward!" According to Lucy, if the back tire hadn't blown on poor Sophia, an old car the boys had borrowed from Cooter, she would never have caught them. (For those of you who were wondering, that's when the Duke boys ended up on probation.)

Boss was so happy - he got the shine contract, wouldn't have to compete with Jesse for new customers, and got two convenient targets to frame for his future schemes all in one fell swoop - that he did something unheard of. He increased Rosco's share from thirty dollars to sixty dollars - the exact amount still owed on Momma Coltrane's hospital bill!

Of course, this "bending" of the law so that it only applied to certain people was the start of Rosco's downward slide. It wasn't long before Boss quit rationalizing those schemes of his for Rosco. I guess it's true what they say. Once you get comfortable breaking little rules, it's an easy step up to the bigger ones. Now, not only does Boss not hide his plans from Rosco, normally, but Rosco is usually involved from the beginning.

Now, all this don't make Rosco a bad person, or even a really bad police officer. If there's a young'un or an animal in any kind of trouble, Rosco's always first in line to help. If anybody, other than Boss, tries to bring any kind of crime into our county, we run them out. (Sometimes with help from the Dukes, but they're usually more of a nuisance than anything else - always lying to us with their phony stories that end up being true and bothering the tourists!)

The third part of our little trio - and proof that Rosco ain't no crook, thank you very much! - is Rosco's dog Flash. She's been trained at a real police dog academy to sniff out crooks. You've never known her to so much as really bark at Rosco, have you? Of course not - she loves him! - so he can't be a crook, can he?

Flash is a very good dog - she's never gotten sick or had an accident in me, which is saying something with some of the situations we've gotten into. Plus, she won't let other animals "mark" me when she's around, neither. I ain't sure how much she understands when I talk to her, but she knows that I hate it when dogs "mark" me - I ain't no tree, you know!

She's real smart, too. Whenever our speeds get too high, or we're about to jump, she goes and puts on her seatbelt! That's another reason I'm careful about my jumps. If anything ever happened to Flash because of me, I would be ready for the crusher. Of course, Rosco would probably put me in it himself, but I wouldn't care - I would deserve it.

I really think Flash is the smartest deputy Rosco's got - and she works cheap, just a box of doggy num-nums, and she's happy. I mean, really, look at the other two. Like Rosco says, Enos is a first-rate dipstick, and Cletus is so bad that even the dipsticks call him a dipstick!

Plus, Enos and Cletus are **honest**! That ain't no way to run a police department - running around being completely honest all the time! One good thing, though, they do follow orders. The bad thing is that, if they can, they warn the Dukes first. Possum, their car, has told me before how far they have gone in their warnings.

Enos has gone over to the Duke farm on his lunch break and just flat out told the boys what was going on. He said that his lunch break was his own time, and Boss and Rosco couldn't tell him what to do on his own time. Cletus, not wanting to be disloyal to his Cousin Boss or his superior officer, has even resorted to charades to warn those reprobates! Enos and Cletus both came back to work and followed orders to chase and try to apprehend the Dukes, but still - no sense of loyalty to their job! And, just as bad, Enos and Cletus have both counted to ten before letting Rosco know that the Duke have escaped, just to give them a little bit of a head start.

I asked Possum why she didn't try to stop them, and do you know what she said? She didn't see anything wrong with it! She thought it was the best way for Enos and Cletus to "be loyal to their friends and their jobs." What a bunch of hooey! Next she'll be telling me that I'm wrong for helping Rosco catch the Dukes- and we do catch them, a lot more than Enos and Cletus do. Just goes to show, if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself.

One good thing about Rosco's "monkey see, monkey do" philosophy on chasing the Dukes, I get to spend a lot of time over at Cooter's garage. What? No, I don't want to be lazy, you meadow muffin! It's just that the company is better there than it is over at the courthouse - and I ain't talking about Cooter, neither! I'm talking about the lovely Miss Beulah. What do you mean, "Who's she?" You can't tell me you ain't noticed her - she's only the most beautiful tow truck in all of Georgia!

Me and Beulah get to spend a lot of time together - when she's pulling me out of the pond, when she's towing me back to the garage, when she's pulling me out of ditches - quality time! Yes, I know it's her job to come pull cars out of bad spots - that's why she's called a tow truck - but, she's told me herself that she always enjoys coming to get me. No, not just because it means that General got away! Yes, she and General are friends, but she enjoys coming to get me so we can visit. I do have friends of my own, you know! What do you mean, name one? I can name three - Beulah, Possum, and Louise! Louise is Boss Hogg's Cadillac. She's just about as smart as Boss, too - But she don't like people to talk about her, so I'll just let her tell you her own story.

Getting back to Beulah, I tell you, she knows every car in this county - and has opinions about everything. She was the one who introduce me to General. I was over at the garage to get my paint job done so I could be an honest to goodness police car. I was fresh off the assembly line and full of big ideas about what police work would be like. I didn't like civilians like them Dukes poking around inside me to see how big my engine is, neither! Cooter's different, he's a mechanic - it's kind of like going to a doctor for y'all, you expect a bit of poking. Some things should be just between a car, his person, and his mechanic, though - just not anybody else's business. Well, once those nosy boys moved off a ways, Beulah and General pulled up a little so we could all talk.

I guess I might have been a little stand-offish back then, but, you've gotta remember, Lucille and Louise had been telling me all kinds of stories about the Dukes - and none of them were real nice from a police point-of-view. I knew General Lee was their car, and I didn't really want to associate with him. It don't look good for police to associate with known criminals, you see.

Beulah was real patient, though. She explained to me that General was new to his family, too. Of course, she conveniently forgot to mention what he had been involved in before he came to Hazzard - just that he hadn't been with the Dukes long enough for their crimes to have rubbed off on him yet. I noticed that she winked one of her headlights when she said it, but I figured that it was just because Cooter and the Dukes were friends, so she didn't notice their crimes as much. We all talked for a while after that, and I got to feeling a bit better about General and our places in Hazzard.

Then, I went back to the courthouse where Louise was telling Possum how things work around here. (Me and Possum came in together - Enos had just been hired as a deputy, so he had to have a car, an Lucille was finding it harder and harder to bounce back after all those "horrendous crashes," so Boss got us both.) According to Louise, there are two types of cars that must never associate, except through work - the police and the riff-raff. The General and his family, of course, are the riff-raff. She told us all about General's past. Plus, just as bad, General once even splashed mud all over her pretty white paint job - just thirty minutes after she had been washed! He said he was sorry, of course - as he sped off - but Louise swore she heard laughing. I ask you, what kind of car does something like that? Louise is a county commissioner's car - she's even more important than I am. All those important people that come to see Boss see Louise, too, as a representative of our cars. Even more important, their cars see her. We can't have them going back and telling their friends that we're so backwards that even our best car isn't kept clean! Disgraceful!

Personally, though, in spite of everything, I ain't got nothing against General Lee. I love to chase him, and a lot of the time we ain't really serious. I just wish he didn't take so many chances with his people. You humans can't just go to the garage and get new shocks or doors to get you back on the road again, you know.

Oops, gotta go - duty calls! I see you, you orange meadow muffin! Don't think you're getting away that easy! Come on Rosco! Police work is my life!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Maudine's Christmas**

Christmas only comes once a year. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that when my family starts trying to get me to do silly things - like wear that elf hat Daisy keeps bringing towards me. I keep telling her, I ain't gonna wear it! 

"Come on, Maudine! It looks so cute on you," Daisy's now trying to talk me into it instead of just putting it on me. She should know by now, if I tell her I ain't gonna do it, I ain't gonna do it! "Look, Flash is wearing hers."

Now there's a reason for me to put it on - the sheriff's dog is wearing one. Dogs are willing to do anything for a treat, or just to make people laugh. A mule has standards! You don't see mules jumping through hoops or walking on their back legs in circuses, do you? No! Those are strictly dog tricks! Good, here comes Jesse. He'll talk some sense into her!

"Uncle Jesse, Maudine just ain't cooperating!" Daisy's starting to sound frustrated now. Ain't like I ain't been trying to explain it to her, though.

"Well now, that's a shame, ain't it, Daisy?" Jesse sounds kinda disappointed, don't he? "I guess we'll just have to find someone else to pull the wagon for the kids to go caroling. Maybe Burl Tolliver will let us use one of his horses."

Now that's just low! I always pull the wagon for the children's choir - almost as long as Jesse's been directing it! Burl Tolliver's horses are race horses; they can't be trusted with them children - that would be like asking Bo and Luke to drive a float in the Christmas parade. Everyone would be hanging on for dear life, but it would get done in record time! I would hate to put the children through that.

. There's no need for Jesse to look so smug when I put my head down for him to put the hat on. I ain't doing it for him - it's for the kids. Yeah, I saw him wink at Daisy. Sometimes you just have to let them think that you don't know when they're shucking and jiving you. The things us animals have to go through to make our people happy!

Of course, all of the kids have to come up and pet me as they get on the wagon. They love me, after all. Some of them even sneak me lumps of sugar as they go past - YUM! I know, I'm not supposed to have them, but we can't disappoint the children, can we? After all, it makes them happy, and Christmas is a time of giving, right?

Luke takes my reins, like he has to tell me where to go. I've been walking this same route every Christmas Eve for the last ten years, after all! At least Bo ain't got them this year. Luke just tries to get me back on track if he thinks that I'm wandering, Bo tends to pull on the reins more. He's just a bit impatient, I guess. 

The decorations sure are pretty this year, ain't they? Look, Miss Tisdale's even got a tree on her front porch and lights all over her roof. I guess that's what Jesse sent the boys over to help her with last week. I know that little woman didn't get up there herself to hang them. (She's afraid of heights, you know.) 

She always comes out to listen to the singing from her porch swing. For some reason, this is always the house Jesse chooses to sing a solo after the children finish their songs. This year it's "Away in a Manger." That's always been one of my favorites. Miss Tisdale looks like she could just sit and listen to him sing for the rest of her life. I feel the same way, of course. My Jesse has the best voice in all the world! He always practices his solo for me while we pull up stumps and logs for the boys to cut into firewood. I could work all day without a break if he would just keep singing to me. Unfortunately, the song isn't long enough, and we're soon on our way.

Here's Boss and Lulu's house. They always have a food theme for their decorations. All of the white pillars are wrapped with red ribbons to look like candy canes, and there are gingerbread men on the wreath on the door. It's pretty, but it always makes me hungry! (I love peppermint!) Fortunately, after the children sing, Lulu always brings them hot chocolate and candy canes. Jesse lets her give me a small candy cane as a treat, too. I never have understood what she sees in Boss - Lulu is such a sweet woman. 

It takes us almost an hour to get to all of the houses, and everyone is tired by the time we pull back up to the front of the courthouse. The kids have really done well this year. As they climb down, they all stop to pat me again and tell me "Merry Christmas." They really are good kids.

When we get back to the farm, Jesse and the boys hurry through the outside chores while Daisy gets things ready inside. After all of that, we still have the annual Christmas Eve party. Jesse gives me an extra scoop of sweet feed and pets my nose, telling me what a good girl I am before he goes in to help Daisy. He always makes sure that I know that he loves me and appreciates me helping him. Most people don't think to do that for animals - my Jesse is pretty special, I guess.

After all of the guests arrive; I let myself out of my stall. Yeah, I know that I'm supposed to stay in until one of the humans let me out, but I would miss all of the fun that way! I love to peek in through the window and watch the party. My family and their friends always decorate the tree and sing songs as they visit and eat. Everyone sounds terrific, but I still listen extra carefully to try to catch Jesse's voice. 

As the party winds down, I turn to sneak back into my stall. In the morning, the goats and chickens and me will get a special Christmas breakfast, so I have to make sure that I'm safely inside before anyone realizes that I've been out.

When I start to fall asleep, I hear the happy sounds of laughter and friends saying goodbye. The church bells in town start to ring to welcome Christmas day, and I think, 'It's a shame that Christmas only comes once a year." 


End file.
